Imagine being 7 or 8 years old and being repeatedly physically assaulted by someone who should be your guardian, looking and caring for you but because you’re not their child they hurt you over and over again…..
….Imagine finding out at 15 that the closest relative to you, knew, but did nothing. The scar on the back of your head a constant reminder….
Imagine how distrusting you become…
Imagine being 9 years old and lying in bed sleeping, only to be woken up your mother’s boyfriend molesting you and doing things a little girl of 9 should not be doing with a grown man, for months and months, then years.
…Imagine how peace-less your sleep becomes…
Imagine this continues to your 13, but some family members ignore it and show your molester, a love that denies your pain.
Imagine how disconnected you become.
Imagine growing up and witnessing your mother getting battered, beaten by her boyfriend but only to return back to her attacker over and over again, regardless of the risk, to both of you.
Imagine trying to imagine what a balanced healthy relationship looks like. Imagine!
Imagine being this same teenager trying to block out the hurt, the pain, the dark thoughts and feelings with drugs, self-harm and low self-regard.
Imagine how powerless you feel.
Imagine trying to ignore it, avoid it, divert it, for ‘it’ to keep finding you, not even knowing what ‘it’ is that prevents you from getting rid of ‘it’.
Imagine a continuous reinforcement of lack of love and care, making you feel like it’s your fault, your problem, that there is actually something wrong with you, for feeling the way you do.
Imagine lurking behind your confidence and smile is a deep ocean of pain and trauma.
Imagine trying to confine in people, tell them your secret only for them to judge you, treat you like your ‘broken’, damaged, less than, unworthy or worst use it against you like a silent assassin, wrapped up in sympathy.
Imagine never being able to converse with your mother, your father, aunty, uncle or loved ones, about the ‘secret’, side stepping it, like the elephant in the room. But really deep down, wanting, craving, needing a hug, affection or even some kind words.
Imagine.
Imagine feeling silenced in order to not make anyone else, feel uncomfortable by your pain, heartache or truth, but instead wanting to fucking scream, kick, cuss and cry! But still not wanting to upset or offend so you bottle it in, repress it and stay silent.
Imagine how soul-less you become.
Imagine seeing the hypocrisy of people claiming that they are God fearing, religious, born again, but not understanding a word from the scriptures in their actions or deeds, as their questions, fact finding and solutions stab you. Thinking they have the answers, the solutions to ‘your’ problem but only if you do it their way, no not like that, like this!
Imagine looking at these professional people, paid to help but also sick with ignorance nodding profusely, but not understanding a word your saying. Their reactions highlighting their lack of comprehension and humankind.
Imagine, imagine, knowing that your pain was still only a fraction of the pain that some children experience, suffer, the bitter-sweet, sickening relief but sadness this conjures. Connected by trauma.
Imagine feeling left, abandoned in a place far from home with no physical care waiting for your soul to leave and return so that you can feel whole again, alive, connected.
Imagine the weight, the burden and the heaviness in your heart, the weight on your shoulders, the tension in your neck, the stress in your brow, the churning in your stomach.
Imagine trying to write your feelings, be truthful and open but still leaving stuff out, adding a filter for fear of the reaction, the response, not wanting to add to the heartache.
Imagine still caring but pretending not to care.
Imagine. Can you imagine? Lucky you.
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Love and Light x
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