Why do us women not just think we can do it all, but actually try? There are so many women who are tired, stressed out and burnt out still insisting on putting other people’s needs before their own. Trying to live up to an unrealistic ideal and expectation that we have to be some sort of Super Woman as we try and juggle the many roles, commitments and obligations which are often for others.
As caregivers, mothers and nurturers we are naturally giving and caring of others and their needs but why is this usually over and above our own needs and wants? We give and give till we are totally depleted, stressed out, burnt out, tired and unhappy!
Well fuck this unrealistic fallacy!
What would happen if we decided to actually put our needs and wants first? Even the mere thought of this can have many women feeling selfish, guilty and less valuable, as if we were actually born just to serve others. Usually the moefoes we are serving are unappreciative and ungrateful and expect that even if you are on the floor exhausted totally frazzled, and broken that we will still cater for them. Saying, “why you on the floor though? I need YOU!”
Seriously how much longer will it take to realise that we can only serve others when we truly serve our-self. This means being willing to prioritise yourself over and above the needs of others, looking out for what we need and aiming to fulfil that. The Super Woman we see in films is a made up fantasy used to serve the notion that we must aspire to being physically perfect, the perfect mother, wife, partner, career woman, friend, and all the other labels and roles we can find to measure our-self against. But apart from what we see of Super Woman running around clearing up ‘shit’ that is not even her mess, what is she like behind closed doors? She could be on crack, bald and depressed as she tries to mend the holes in her costume that other people expect her to wear.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being super, strong and independent but not if it comes at the risk of your own happiness, mental health and wellbeing. Unlike Loreal – its just not worth it! I see many women who feel an immense amount of guilt at even thinking about taking some ‘me’ time or simply saying the words No. It’s like as if the feeling of disappointing others, being judged or believing they are not fulfilling their supposed duty or role is the 8th cardinal sin. Usually the thought doesn’t even leave their brain before the guilt surfaces. #selfsabbotage They put themselves down, feeling inadequate because they cannot live up to the Super Woman notion they perceive other women are capable of doing.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with women trying to aspire to becoming a Super Woman many are, with a career, motherhood, looking good, etc but it’s the level of perfection that they try to live up to which can have them never feeling good enough, messing with their self-worth, self-esteem which is then overcompensated by trying to do over and above in each of their roles purely out of guilt.
Who is to blame? Is this really the doing of feminists? Who fought to be seen as equal, perhaps they deliver themselves a double edge sword! Whilst the rights of women should be equal to men and I am definitely for female empowerment and liberations. But is it equal, if we end up doing more than our share?! Why didn’t someone suggest that we also fight for shared responsibility so that it doesn’t just end on the lap of the woman, who as a disfranchised part of society often have to do more with less.
Did anyone not consider that we would eventually become tired, burn-out and overworked? Or is this supposed to be our natural state of existence which we just accept and become a Subdued Wombman!
Statistically women are likely to suffer depression twice as more than men, and depression, stress, anxiety etc usually peaks when women get to the child bearing phase where they are trying to juggle many roles and obligations. Mental health for many women is a real living issue which can lead to a host of conditions such as eating disorders, low self-esteem, confidence, self-harming and even suicide. Many women are nurturing children in these negative and destructive states. Still trying to some how hold their shit together! You wouldn’t expect someone to run a marathon while they were sick, but many women expect to run at full capacity even in these states. Usually simply because, if they don’t who else will?
Lack of support in every sense is the issue of many households stemming from society as a whole but it is also the internal guilt that we also experience if we don’t act like Super Woman. But how many of these extreme cases of mental health and deaths could have been prevented or identified if women were taught that care starts with self, as does love which goes hand in hand!
Caring for their needs, loving themselves enough to know when enough is enough or they cannot do anymore or even being able to clearly articulate and assert – I will not do anymore until I am fully fuelled up! Then everyone could run around and be like warning, warning this woman is low in fuel, alert, danger, she will shut down in 17 hours and counting!
As a black woman, the experience of mental health and the lack of wellbeing is generational from my ancestors to the current day, black women are often aiming to be seen as Super Woman because of how we have been treated or mistreated, the double negatives of racism and sexism. We are usually treated as the ‘bottom of the pile’, abused, discriminated, oppressed and disenfranchised. Women as a whole tend to be in the lower economic groups due to discrimination in the workplace, lower pay, lack of promotion and the fact that they are the primary caregivers to children and men. But black women have to also deal with the racism that is encountered where many white women can access a get-out-of-jail card. Black women are disproportionally represented in single parent households, not only having to deal with economic disadvantages, employment discrimination, housing issues but also negative portrayals, stereotypes and blocked opportunities on a daily basis for us and our children.
One can only imagine why our own wellbeing is often a low priority. Also combined with the fact that culturally we are not so open about mental health issues and have a warranted distrust of some of these so-called agents and institutions that are offering their ‘support’. Ultimately means we often suffer alone and in silence. In some research, I carried out titled ‘Black Women, Mental Health and Wellbeing’ many black women actually stated that they didn’t share their emotional and mental issues due to fear that they would be seen as weak or it be used against them and even when they attempted to were made to feel guilty, because their foremothers had suffered far worst atrocities.
So if it is not released where does all this internal stress and trauma go? Physically we know it is absorbed throughout out body and yes even our womb our creative hub, before it takes place in our behaviour. By the time our symptoms are externally evident, much damage has already taken place and will influence every part of our life and core being, emotions, mental and spiritual health.
As creators and nurturers, it our duty to look after self first and practice self-love and self-care for the future wellbeing of our sons and daughters. As uncomfortable as it may seem, if we don’t put our needs, health and wellbeing first we will be of no real service to anyone. Health is the first wealth. On the plane, you are advised to put your life jacket on first, try this in your life and notices the benefits for you and everyone around.
You don’t have to live up to other people’s unrealistic ideals, expectations and labels at the expense of your own wellbeing. Super Woman or Subdued Wombman is not your only choice.
Take care of you!
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