Speechless

Yes I know it hasn’t been a hot minute since my last blog.  But I’m started to wonder if this fighting journey has anything to do with a fight per se but about my character.

Today I went training late as I never get the opportunity to spar much as the class starts at 7pm but even at 9pm then haven’t even started sparring. Think #kidsbabyschool anyway…. I went a little later to get some rounds in.  I cannot lie it was a HUGE struggle to get there.

I was given the ‘circle of death’ where about 5 fighters jump in and out of the ring, each having a go to batter you while, you start to lose your physical form and your frikkin will to live! Almost to breaking point.  That’s what it feels like anyway lol.

Well something strange happened there was no oomph or as my trainer explained the ‘fighting switch’ or aggression did not turn on.  I left, with tears in my eyes and cried more out of frustration plus a broken spirit thinking what happened? Where has my aggression gone?

I just don’t know, what to say or what to do?  Will it come back?  I haven’t a clue?  I just really don’t know what to say.  I totally agree,  but I have no answers, not an inkling.

Although I  know I’m tired from broken sleep but… I just don’t know whether this is this a one off.  Actually I titled this ‘Speechless’ maybe I should have called this ‘Questions’ as I have loads.

What will happen if it doesn’t come or switch on?  Shall I rename the blog ‘Failing Fitabulously!  Its not even funny!!  I feel in a strange zone.  Now I know I am not fighting for some world championship but this was really meant to be a significant milestone.  But am I really inspiring anyone or just proving that you shouldn’t even try this shit at home!  Do I have what it takes? What if I don’t?  Will I continue just to prove face or stop and feel like a failure?

Wow this is seriously up close and personal.

By the way I am sipping a tiny glass of sparkling cheap wine and a packet of salt and shake crisp! Yeah whatever – self love!   #NoJudgement

I just feel speechless, I don’t know what to say so I think I better stop talking and just wait and see.

Ps. My technique was WACK, I am slower than an 80 year old thai boxing snail.  Maybe I need a year!  Or just 2 weeks sleep.  Or maybe this is my self doubt rearing its head.

Night x